A lesson

A broke up with me, and I always liked sharing my stories with my close friends. And it's very natural that they would like to protect me and give me opinions. S, my very good friend, doesn't like A, and believes that I should leave him. But I tried really hard to be together with A and we are back together now. S, and her bf, M both think I'm stupid to get back to A.
The worst part is I told A how S and M think, and they are all friends (or at least I hope they still are). I didn't think that much when I told A about this, and surprisingly, A sent S a msg to tell her that he knew what she thought of our relationship. S was furious at me, coz she thinks I violated the rule b/w two close friends. I really didn't think that's a big deal, and I always believe people should be brave enough to confront what they said and did. But I'm not lucky enough to meet such strong and responsible people. Both S and M tried to accuse me.

Eventually, I realized that I was wrong because I shouldn't have passed second-hand information, esp. negative comments. Also, I shouldn't have expected other people behave as what I think is proper, which is actually my very old problem. It's wrong to expect things should work as I believe. I probably made three other people unhappy.

So much to learn in life. I'd better get hurry up.

4.8.09

I didn't do anything substantial for my exam today. Although my life is not only for exams, I have been trained to place a lot of (almost all) my attention, energy, and serious care on exam. So I can't help making a comment of my day in terms of whether I did anything that will contribute to my written exam in June.

But I didn't something else. First, I made two new friends, Gloria and her boyfriend. We had a very good conversation during lunch about racism, US. and China govnt, Tibet... I really enjoy it, and we'll do it more in the future.

Second, I had a big and long argument with Aaron again. He still pissed me off when we talk about serious things, which is big problem in our relationship. But I think we also made some progress on how to improve our argument, hopefully...

Since I argued too much with Aaron, I was really tired when I went back home. Michael cooked pigfeet. Coz it smelled so good, I didn't finish my paper reading and started eating.

After that I cycled with Wanli, and we had a long ride and also a long talk about how to see the world and adjust ourselves. It was not as good as I expected. And at last I asked him whether he wanted to do it more. He said no.

I was a little frustrated from his response, and chatted with a friend on line about that I found nobody could really understand me. Something he said was really helpful at the moment: try to make good contributions in the field you are familiar with.

Sounds reasonable, and I'll try to do that.

After that, Wanli called me back. And I clarified that he didn't think I was crazy and he would like to talk more with me. So I'm really happy that we are still friends.

That's my day, and I'm going to bed now.

Time spent with Aaron

Oct. 11 to 13, 2008- Weed hotsrping, stay in the cabin, sushi in Mt. Shasta
Nov. 7 to 11, 2008- Stay in a cottage, winery tasting,Harbin hotspring,
Nov. 27 to 30, 2008, thanksgiving at Frisco, ski, Rickensburg town
Dec. 19 to Jan. 4, 2009, Washington, Twinslake, Chicago, Josh's home, Mr. Vernon
Jan. 16 to 21, 2009 Disney world.

Trip in the summer of 2008

I got my visa to America on Sep. 2, and took a train to Haicheng on the same day to visit a temple, called Dabei Si near that city. This is the only temple in China that refuse to accept any money. There is a Daochang with a similar name in the same area, and my mom and I stayed there for two nights. They provided free lodge and food, and we need to sing the Buddism song from morning to night. But I have a very low tolerance in repeating things, so I mainly walked around and tried to talk to people. On the second day, I finally got a chance to talk to the highest nun there. Although I didn't really get anything new, but at the time I felt a little better.

And my real trip started on Sep. 4. I met Aaron at Dalian airport. I could see him coming out from a TV, but he couldn't see me. So I hided myself perfectly. When he really came out of the gate, I was able to attact him from his back. He was not shocked as I expected, but I still remember his smile.
We played in Dalian for two days. First we went to the beach, then we had a great seafood dinner, and we went to a bar near Renmin square. It's fun, and I thought he was happy.
The second day, we played in the Tiger beach park, and we saw a lot of animals. Also, we tried something called speed gliding together, and took some funny pictures.
On the day we left, we managed to see the so-called, the biggest square in Asia,called Xinghai Square there. It's pretty cool. And we flew to Yanji that night.
On Sep.7, we took a early bus to a small town in Jilin, called Baihe, which is the closest town to the north Po of Changbai Mt. It wasn't a lucky day that we wasn't able to see the sky pond with a clear weather, and Aaron found the expense was higher than he expected, and it seemed that he didn't have a good enough time.
On Sep. 8, we went to another town, called Song Jianghe, and we rafted there. It was fun.
On Sep 9, a bus took us to Changbai Xian, and the bumpy road made me vomit on it. I haven't vomited on a bus for like over 10 years. And I told Aaron that he made me sick. Finally, we were able to see North Korea there since there is only a small river that seperate these two places. It was the 60th anniversary of North Korea. A lot of people were walking on the other side, who, as the local Chinese people said, didn't walk so much during other days.
They live in very crappy houses,and drink the water directly from the river. ALso they wash their clothes and themselves in the river too. Some people were having a picnic along the river, which means that their life is not that bad. Finally, we went up to a mountain, and they have very fancy binocular there, so we were able to see a larger area and clearer views.
But all these are superficial. I'm more interested in what is really in people's mind, because that's something that really matters, and can really influence the future of them.
We stayed at Changchun on that night. Uncle Liu picked us up at the airport and also paid for the train tickets the next day.
We met my parents in the late evening on Sep 10. And in the moring of Sep 11, on the bed of the hotel, Aaron told me that he's not sure whether he loves me.

Indoor monkeys

This is my first time to see the indoor monkeys today. I used to watch monkeys out in the field cage, which can run around and play with other animals.

For indoor monkeys, they each have a small cage, or two monkeys share a bigger one. Those monkeys can see and hear each other, but barely touch. Even so, interestingly, they can still develop social hierarchy, and there are alpha and beta males too.
These monkeys as well as field cage ones, are wild, but because they are confined to the small cage, when they meet stranger, there is no place for them to run away, they behave much more aggressively. They don't like strangers, for example, me. Once I enter the room, some stare at me, some show threat, and others even shake the cage. A staff told me that they are amazingly fast and strong; if I get close to the cage, they can grab and scratch me very badly. They have a stronger sense of territory compared to field cage monkeys. Thus, they perceive every stranger as an enemy and want them to leave at once, or else they feel very insecure and irritated (and scary for me). Anyway, they are comfortable with others monkeys and the staffs who take care of them.
Another interesting thing is that they recognize the color of the clothes, not exactly the face of people. The staff told me that if I wear the same color as them, those monkeys will feel more calm.
Also, there is another room in which the monkeys behave quite differently. They are the monkeys for a specific project in which they will be given whatever they want, pretty much for food. They are all very big, strong, and cute. I can see that they've been taken good care of since their fur is smooth and neat, in a good physical condition. Maybe because they know they are big, or because they are always having a perfect life which can not be disturbed by a stranger, they behave very condidently and even friendly. They seldom show threat to me and some even lipsmack at me (which is a sign of affiliation). But I was told that it has nothing to do with affection,and it is just that they are more confident about themselves. Still I can be scratched or even killed if I get too close to them.
So sad, they can never know how much I like them...

Watching Monkeys

- They seldom relax,are very cautious, nervous, and easily o be irritated or scared.
- Sometimes, even if there are no other monkeys beside him/her, a higher calss monkey still presents groom.
- Direct eye contact from me can easily draw attention and often get them nervous even if I'm actually smiling at them.
If I use binocular, it seems they don't think I'm watching them.
- Aggression and fight never stop in the cage. Screams ring all the time. But the point is they have food, water, place to live, toys... almost everything they need to live a comfortable life. They still fight, even to death. So it means monkeys also have extra psychological needs for life, such as higher class in the monkey society which benefit them with more groom, and even respects.
- My other wonder is whether they intrinsinclly have disturbing "soul"? Older infants, juveniles and young adults need to move and rarely sit quitely for 10 seconds except when eating and drinking. How many of their behaviors are spontaneous, and how many are illicited by the environment?

Try to grow up

I've always had difficulties facing others' suffering from disasters and unfair treatment. Unfortunately, the earthquake which happened on Monday this week integrated the two. It upsets me all the time. I feel I can't afford to read more bad and sad news because I can't help comparing my life with that of the people thousands of miles away.
I don't know whether there will be research on how many people died from the collapse of unqualified buildings. But I do hope so.
For those people who have eaten the money which should have been spent on the teaching buildings, if they survived till now, I wanna ask them "what the hell is the meaning for you son of bitch to live in the fucking world? You bastard!!!?"
I feel deeply shameful to grow in the same country as those people. What I can do is to reserve the shame right now. But what about the freedom I love? I don't know how to balance a soul with the love for freedom and the feeling of shame.